I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
