i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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