Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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