Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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