Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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