Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
