he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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