Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
