never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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