Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
