He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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