someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
