why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
