Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
