I was born with a shot glass in my hand
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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