Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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