yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
