we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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