if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
There's even glitter on my cock...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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