I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
