I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
