I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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