Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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