he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
