i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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