I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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