I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
