I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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