Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
