There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
nutella sex= disaster
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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