her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
