Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
