then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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