onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
