oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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