It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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