I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
