I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
