I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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