i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
