the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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