I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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