This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
