you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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