your parents love me but you hate me
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
