I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
