I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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