i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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