It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
