Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Randomize
